Hard Sayin' Not Knowin'

While it's been a long time (and no I still haven't found a new blog to spill my thoughts and feelings) I've found myself this last hour, as I sit in my cubicle watching students type, reading through my posts from two years ago, when things in my life were just beginning and I was spending my days reading theory and unable to recognize that what I was feeling and thinking were ideal and that that excitement I felt was the excitement of someone who had not yet entered the real world where adventures don't happen each day and theory doesn't always apply to practice.

I feel so much older now, reading these posts and I keep catching myself shaking my head, feeling sentimental and tired and wishing very hard that I might recapture those feelings I once had while knowing full well that I'm much different now.

Love on these blog pages was smiles and butterflies and not-knowings and somedays. Now, since leaving these pages, love is still smiles but it's also accompanied by so many more not-knowings and those somedays don't seem as certain. Love is no longer filled with spontaneous trips to New York, but rather long-planned trips to weddings and parents' houses to see family and celebrate unions.  We plan our days, weeks, months together but we still don't plan our lives together.

And it's hard to not plan my life with you because you're so much a part of it. It feels odd not to talk about what we'll be doing together in five, ten, twenty years. 

But then I realize, slowly (because I figure things out slowly, after tears and long exhaustive evening conversations) that what we have is good and true and the now is like a blanket I want to wrap myself up in and never take off. You know me so well and it surprises me and scares me sometimes because what would happen if I lost you?

And then instead of thinking about all of the not-knowings, I begin to think about all of the things I do know. At what moment did all of that deep knowing finally happen? You bring me coffee from the kitchen when you know I won't be able to make it down there to fill my mug before work. I don't have to ask, you just know it. You put in one packet of stevia and a little milk because you know that's just the way I like to ruin a good cup of coffee.  And you know when to give me some tough love and a reality check, even if I resist it or fight you or pretend like you don't really know. Because you do. You do know.

So while I'm not as idealistic as I used to be on these blog pages, and I'm not spending my time traveling around, nose in a book or butterflies in my belly with a crush on a guy I'd just met online, I am more myself and more in love than I've ever been with a man who knows and loves me back.