You Smell Like Winter

Change was the name of the game this past year and this year is winding down because it's suddenly dark by five and every night that I walk home my hair inevitably ends up smelling like firewood.

The sadness is always the easiest to write, at least that's how I've always felt. The happiness seems always elusive and slightly out of reach and I've always had a hell of a time putting it into words. But I've made a promise to myself to try to write more often. 2010 came and went way too fast, and so, in these last few days, my goal is to slow things down, to grab hold of what's left of 2010 and keep it, momentarily, close and still.

Tonight, at the JCC, a lady told me that my wrapping looked "like crap" and kept complaining about how overpriced it was. I wanted to say "Hey lady, it all goes to charity. Chill," but my palms kept sweating as all my corners went to shit.

But, despite that, the feeling of being surrounded by (mostly) friendly faces, as strangers within mere hours became more and more like friends, and the bustling sounds of shuffling feet and frantic chatter and the crinkling of wrapping paper made the walk home in the cold not only bearable, but exhilirating.

Tonight was busier than the last three days combined, and I wish every night was like this. It's true that I've never really learned how to fully relax, but I don't think I've ever really wanted to. I think that is why I have trouble with inbetweens, with breaks, and waiting because most of these brief periods are bookended by really wonderful places and people and big plans, like next week when I head to New York where we'll count backwards from ten to one and hug and pop corks. And while these moments of waiting inevitably lead to cleaner closets and (temporarily) more organized sock drawers, they also make me feel overwhelmingly restless.

So, with no work and no school, I've ended up doing the only thing I know how: I snagged several gigs tutoring non-native speakers at a little coffee shop around the corner from me that plays great music and serves a good brew. And so, once again, I've squashed in-between with right now and always, but I guess that's easy for someone who gets excited more easily than most about more things than you'd think possible.