Time is so fleeting

Saturday morning I'll be on a train to Philadelphia, and when I return on Monday to this great city of ours, my second and last year of graduate school will begin, and I will savor each moment as best I know how.

Rainiest of Mays and I'm walking home in the rain, again, and the wind is so strong it pushes my umbrella inside out and my bags are so heavy I have to stop four times to shift their weight and rest my hands, all the while juggling an umbrella that won't right itself. And even though on the outside I look like a mess with my hair wet and matted and my feet soaked, on the inside I'm really calm and together and instead of thinking about how I should have just driven to the grocery store, I am thinking about all the days I get to spend sitting in that one spot at the library of congress where that statue of Shakespeare looks over me as I read and all the evenings that will be spent with friends at happy hours across the city and those sundays I'll be playing kickball and that weekend when Sarah will come to visit and that other weekend that I'll be going home. Because I made a promise to myself that I will keep this Happy happening for as long as I can.

after the rain

hey i think i found that little bit of happiness i'd been searching for these past 23 years, and the best part is i found it without even trying. it just sort of snuck up on me and took me by surprise and i've been able to hold onto it for longer and longer and just today i realized i've been holding onto it for an entire week nonstop. And i think it's partly to do with the image of myself in my head that has slowly changed to reflect the person i really am and as it turns out, i'm happy with that image and not disappointed the way i always thought i would be if i let myself be myself completely. no more guilt or convincing myself that i can be better and no more caring what she thinks or they think or he will ever know--there's no need for convincing anymore and i carry that feeling around on my face smiling all the time now and not stopping even once.

uhmmmmmm

and the weirdest thing about it is that someone else is living my old life almost to a tee.

dear you

This weekend everything changed and my heart was so full and the world felt all right. The kind of right where each turn of a corner and exit out of the metro station felt like arriving again and again to the place I was meant to be. Friday, I TA'ed for the last time and my students bought me a card and a little box of scented candles and I realized that I learned more things this semester than I was able to teach. That evening I headed to Epicurean and mourned Karl's departure from the states with drinks and merriment and great conversation. I don't know what it was about that night--maybe the booze, maybe the company--but the world outside seemed to freeze and real life did not touch our table, as we laughed and laughed until closing time. Not wanting the night to end, a few of us hopped the bus and headed to a little dive bar on P Street, with great music and few people, where we drank and talked until 2:30 in the morning before heading home.

Saturday, I walked around Dupont and had a picnic in the circle. There was a May Pole and dancing and the city felt like home. That night was the English cocktail party, where I saw some people for the last time and met some other people for the first. Afterward, we headed next door to Gin and Tonic, where we danced our hearts out while belting Journey lyrics on the top of our lungs.

It has felt a lot like summer already and that transition from grey to blue and green, from late nights studying to later nights not studying, always comes fast but it seems even more sudden this time around.

And life seems to be piecing itself back together again. This weekend all the talks were easy and the smiles were plenty and palms were sweaty and all I could think of were future adventures and late nights and early mornings and sharing those times with the greatest people. And so all I want to do is rewind and hit the pause button and stay in this sort of happy calm always where the picture is sort of fuzzy and you don't know what comes after just what comes now.