The Right Words

Today, it was difficult to get out of bed, so I didn't. I stayed home and slept most of the day. I know tomorrow will be better, but today it doesn't feel that way.

I want so badly to be done with it, but it always seems to be there. I could go three months without even giving any of it a second thought and then all of a sudden every day seems like a struggle again and little things trigger me and I'm back to those old insecurities. And talking about it, to anyone, is hard, mostly because I wish I didn't have to talk about it in the first place, but also because talking about it always seems so dramatic and intense and those are the last things I want to be. So, I end up keeping people I care about at a distance, putting on a super happy face or going off the grid for a day or an evening until I've regained my composure. Because the one thing I know for certain is that I have the terrific ability to 'bounce back' after a day like today-- I know that even after an evening of tears, tomorrow morning I'll wake up, get dressed, and it will be like today never happened. And I know that's wrong and what's worse is that I always secretly hope that someone will call me out on that sadness, see through the guise. But mind-reading, I'm fairly certain, doesn't exist, and I know that help's rarely given unsolicited I guess my biggest fear is that talking about my on-going struggles with my ED will make me seem insecure, needy, self-doubting, unhappy, lost--words that I don't feel accurately describe me, because overall I am happy and I am OK. I'm just not entirely free.

A Forward Glimpse

Rainy, gray weather's had a hold on this city for far too long and I just can't seem to shake the January-February blues. I can't wait for 70 degrees and hiking and walks around Roosevelt Island and sundresses and raspberry lemonade and taking pictures of spring's first blossoms.

this morning i was walking along M Street and saw a homeless man about 15 feet in front of me. he was standing on the sidewalk, holding a baseball cap out for money, but didn't seem to be talking to passers-by or doing anything to solicit donations. to my surprise, however, as i passed him, he lunged forward slightly and shouted "BOO!" as if to scare me into giving him money. though the strategy didn't work (i kept walking), i nearly burst out laughing, and later thought that maybe i should've given him some change to reward one of the most original and bizarre homeless-guy tactics i'd ever seen.